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With thanks to david stein for permission to use this essay. david's thoughts on D/s relationships and culture never fail to interest me so I was delighted to find that he had written the following. AJ.
Portions of the following essay
appeared in slightly different form as the guest editor’s introduction to Issue
14 of International Leatherman magazine, August/September 1997, which
was devoted in its entirety to real-world gay Master/slave relationships.
Copyright 1997 by david stein; all rights
reserved.
Getting Over Mr.
Benson
Remember Mr. Benson?
John Preston's popular Drummer serial from 1980-82 established a
paradigm for Master/slave relationships that we're still bewitched by today --
just look at the personal ads in gay erotic magazines, or online. Many guys who
want to be slaves are still looking for Mr. Benson, and many who fancy
themselves Masters are still looking for slaves like his Jamie. So what's wrong
with that?
What's wrong is that Mr. Benson doesn't exist,
and pinning your hopes on finding a real-life equivalent is self-defeating. And
while guys like Jamie exist in abundance, by and large they're not likely to
succeed as slaves in the real world. i've met or spoken with a large number of
Masters and slaves, and none of them much resembles Mr. Benson or
Jamie.
Mr. Benson, the archetypal fantasy Master, is very
tall, very strong, extremely wealthy, extremely intelligent and discerning
(almost a mind-reader, in fact), ruggedly handsome, totally self-confident and
assured, a 110% Top adept in all the SM arts, cultured, sophisticated, equally
at ease in formal evening dress, full leathers, and butch sleaze gear. And, not
at all incidentally, he has a dick of death.
As for Jamie,
he's the archetypal slacker with a decent body, a pretty face, a great ass, and
an empty head. His job is inconsequential, he lives in a rooming house, his
friends are other bar-flies, and his relatives are out of the picture. Becoming
Mr. Benson's slave is clearly a step up, and Jamie knows it. He submits totally
in a heartbeat.
Does all that sound familiar? It should.
Other, lesser authors have been recycling this tale for almost two decades,
drumming it into our heads that a "real Master" is godlike and a "real slave" a
blank slate. Over and over again we read about a no-account boy-man who trades
his meaningless freedom for the floor beside Master's bed, scraps from Master's
plate, and all the cock he could want (and more). Kept busy as Master's go-fer
and boytoy, and otherwise locked away or chained up, he'll never again have to
worry about paying a bill or negotiating relationship hassles as a responsible
adult. Master will take care of everything, decide everything, and do the
thinking for both of them.
Sound like a good deal? Want to know where you can
sign up? Take a reality check!
While real-world
Master/slave relationships may include some elements of this paradigm
-- some slaves are forbidden to use the furniture or wear clothes at
home, and some Masters do have big dicks or handle all the finances --
the whole nine yards is far from typical, and i doubt it's even possible. Above
all, men who succeed as slaves aren't blank slates. They usually have jobs, and
some even have demanding professional careers. They have families and friends
who'd miss them if they just disappeared, and they invariably have interests and
hobbies they'd be loathe to give up. Succeeding as a slave in our society, with
no legal, social, or cultural support for that role, takes above-average brains
and determination. It needs all the skills required to be a successful lover,
partner, or spouse, and more. A lifetime of happy slavery isn't something you
stumble into; you need to work at it.
Being a
Master is no easier. Judging from the personal ads, a lot of guys seem to think
that a slave is like a household appliance: Turn it on when you need it, and
shove it into a closet the rest of the time. But even appliances need
maintenance, and a consensual slave is perhaps the highest-maintenance
possession anyone could have. Slaves need training, discipline, care for their
needs, and at least some affection if they're to fulfill their part of the
bargain. Hot and heavy SM play can be part of it, too, but only part -- you
can't turn your whole life into playtime, not and still make a
living.
The stereotype is that guys become slaves when
they've exhausted their other options. But for the successful slaves I know it
was the first choice -- something they wanted so much and were willing
to work so hard for that they wouldn't allow themselves to fail. And the Masters
I know are not self-indulgent layabouts eager to be waited on hand and foot but
men who have mastered themselves first of all.
It
isn't primarily about sex, on either side. Sex may be the fuel that keeps the
motor running, but it isn't the purpose. What voluntary slavery is about, i
think, is self-transcendence. Through surrender, obedience, and loyal service
(sexual and otherwise) to a Master, a slave discovers the ecstasy of losing
himself in something greater. And through accepting a slave's gift and taking
responsibility for his very being, a Master discovers the joys of "living
large," transcending his innate resources and accomplishing more than he could
ever do alone.
i am filled with respect for these
virtuosos of dominance and submission. And for those who have not yet succeeded
in living these roles, here's some friendly advice: Examine your image of a
Master/slave relationship carefully, and think about what you'd have to do to
make it real for you. If serious reflection shows that your image is an
impossible fantasy, then reshape it into a goal that can be realized.
Reality may be less exciting than fantasy, but in the
long run a real life is more satisfying. After all, the "real world" is where we
live. Fantasyland is for vacations.
