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Me happily living and working on the West Coast - I am at the far right. Jacqueline, Bryce and me, at a conference. We are role-playing that Bryce wants his own apartment; Jacqueline plays his Social Worker and I am the bad advisor who, instead of helping him get what he wants, starts to object and agree with the Social Worker that he should live in a group home. |
Gary, at Old Lyme in Connecticut, little expecting that in the not so distant future he'd end up living a whole different life with me in Vancouver! |
I first met Gary in September of 1997. He was on the other side of the continent and both of us were pretty happy with our lives and our jobs. I had accomplished a whole list of goals and dreams... neither of us were really looking for a relationship... and both of us agreed that the other one was too far away... and then, night after night, sometimes all night long, we'd talk and talk and kept discovering more and more about each other that seemed singular. I'm afraid this is one of those stories about an internet romance that worked out really well!
A few months later, it was his birthday and I really wanted to meet him in person. One of my friends who works for an airline gave me a buddy-pass to go to Connecticut. I wasn't even sure where Connecticut was. I thought it might be close to Chicago. Gary in person was even more wonderful than Gary on-line!!!
This is me with Gary, at Old Lyme Beach in Connecticut, where his family used to live in the summers.
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Boston |
San Diego Zoo |
Simsbury |
So, we flew around the continent - meeting in Seattle, San Diego, Boston, New York City, Vancouver and Hartford... here we are in Boston at the TASH conference, just after driving out to Hartford for a charity dinner and meeting Gary's family for the first time (yikes). Gary has an amazing family, and they were welcoming and supportive. Here we are at their favourite restaurant in Simsbury, Connecticut
Every time we were together, it was harder and harder to leave each other.
Me, pretending to be happy without Gary...
Life became this cycle of waiting to see each other... being together and happy... parting... wondering where to go with it all. It was hard to come back to Vancouver and not just pretend to be happy without him... Every day we talked for a couple of hours, if we possibly could, and sent each other email.
sometimes Gary would send me things he'd made on the computer or wav files that he'd made for me (of his eccentric alarm clock ringing and waking him up without me, or of songs he liked to sing) sometimes I'd send him things I'd drawn or writen or painted...
We had to make a decision... it was really hard. I was happy at work; he was happy at work. We both had friends and families we cared about on our respective coasts. I thought about moving there, but couldn't find the sort of job that I would like and I had some responsibilities here that I didn't feel good about leaving.
At last we made a decision and Gary moved here in June, 1999. With my usual lack of foresight I signed us up to go, four days later, to the first camp for people with disabilities that Spectrum Society organized.
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Anna Marie in the kitchen (Gary calls this picture "Domestic Goddess #1") |
Gary R, Gary B, me |
Jacqueline came to camp too. Imagine her surprise to find that it was... a camp :) |
This is us with our buddy, Gary B.. Gary B and his sister have been some of my best friends for several years now and now they love Gary R as much as I do!
| When we got back from camp, we moved in with our friend
Debra. It was going to be an interesting experiment. Debra, a
lesbian who had never lived with men even as a child and a long-time
friend of mine, was brave enough to embark on a great experiment with us -
"what could family look like?"
I knew I was in trouble when she and I were confirming that Gary and I would come live with her and she hadn't yet met him... she asked what he was like. "Hmmm...," I said, thinking of all the people we both knew. "Well, he's a bit hyper... I guess I should tell you that. He bounces around. He rarely walks. He sings all the time." "Great," she said, "I love that." I was still trying to think of who we would both know that Gary was like. I knew it was someone that I liked... all of the sudden it hit me. "Oh my God," I said, "it's you - he always reminds me of you!" She loved it. I was scared. It worked out wonderfully for more than a year. |
I can't forget Onyx... we needed a bed and were going to go buy one. Our friends Mike and Ronee said they had a great bed they didn't have a use for, would we like it? when they delivered it, they brought along a dog as they knew we wanted one and that she needed a home... she's a bit of a nut. oh well, it made things more lively and gave Deb a chance to test her own levels of patience. |
We had decided that if Gary was going to come here and we were going to embark on a life together, with some pretty serious changes for both of us, we should get married. Neither of us had ever considered a gay marriage before - but for both of us it seemed to be the right thing to do. And of course the plan got bigger and bigger and bigger...
The next thing we knew, people were coming from all over the place and we had caterers and a Rabbi and... we were renting tuxedoes and wearing ties...
We were just really happy to be together. Here we are at the Fish House, a wonderful Vancouver restaurant, at a wedding-eve pary Gary's folks threw for us. They had menus printed that read "Gary and Aaron's Wedding-Eve Dinner." It was very sweet. And we discovered Chocolate Lava Cake that night!!!!
For our wedding cake, we decided on making a ginger-spice cake
for the story of the cake, go here....
Rabbi Dina Hassida Mercy performed the ceremony and walked us through everything. There were a couple of other Rabbis involved as well, who gave lots of good advice and careful, thoughtful ideas. The only problem with us getting married in a synagogue was that I wasn't Jewish. So our friend Mary Margaret found us an amazing hall at the University of British Columbia - the Long House, an aboriginal study centre.
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Rabbi Dina Hassida Mercy Blessed is the Source of Life who creates the fruit of the vine. May you find wonder in the creation you are and the creation which springs from you both. Blessed is the One who created human beings. |
The Chupa, made for Rabbi Mercy by the congregation of Orr Shalom. It says something like "Rest with me, my love, under the Fig and Grape vines" |
Entering the hall, wearing yamulkas that Gary's mom, Gloria, crocheted for the wedding party. We walked in to Niall and Jacqueline singing "When You Wish Upon a Star." |
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"Harei ahta mekudash lee b'taba'at zo. Ani l'dodi v'dodi li." [I give you this ring that you all may know that you are sacred to me as my partner in life. I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine.]
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A really nice thing about Jewish weddings is that there is room for everyone you love to take part in the ceremony!
(DONNA) May your hearts be always filled with love. May your joy in one another overflow into the world which surrounds you. |
(ANN) Blessings of language and art and songs - of beautiful writing and art and music to share, of the right words at the right times, of clarity during confusion and of listening until understanding and of constant growing together.
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(MARLOW) Blessed is the design of the human being. Developing our wisdom and compassion, we may become God-like. We are assembled from the very fabric of the universe, and are composed of eternal element - infinite diversity in infinite combinations. Blessed be and Blessed is our creation.
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(RONEE) Rejoice and be glad you who wandered homeless. In joy have you gathered with your sisters and your brothers. May you rejoice and be glad for Gary and Aaron who wandered the world in search of one another and found home in each other. Blessed is the joy of our gathering here with you. |
Debra and Jacqueline singing "I'll Cover You," from RENT. (Gary is standing just behind them, trying hard not to jump off the stage and join in as it's his favourite song... I like it because it is so darned realistic - and quite lovely too...) click here to read the lyrics they sang (and Gary whispered) |
(ERNIE) Bestow happiness on these loving friends as would creatures feel in the garden of Eden. Blessed be the joy of lovers.
(GLORIA) May your FAMILY BLESS You and your friends support you. May all people live with you in peace. May those in need find good friends in you.
(PIA) Blessings of white space - of spontaneity, surprise and joy - of possibility in a universe that is better to us than we would ever have thought to be to ourselves.
(SHIRLEY) Blessings of light and synergy - may the streams of light of these two souls that have found each other and a single brighter light go forth from their united being; may all things find their place.
.(RONA) Blessed are You who brings soulmates together. Soon may it be that all who seek their beloved be sure to find, in order that love be increased in our world. Blessed are You, Source of Healing and Wholeness.
(RABBI) Blessed are You, Source of Life, who enables us to strive toward the devotion of Jonathan and David, the life-sharing of Ruth and Naomi, and the commitment of Jacob and Rachel. May the time come soon when the voices of all lovers, the music of all friendships, will rise up to be heard and celebrated in the gates of our cities. May the time come soon when we can all drink a full cup of joy. Blessed are You, Source of Love. Soon may we hear in the streets of the city and on the paths of the fields: the voice of joy, the voice of gladness, the voice of lovers from the canopy, and the voices of their friends from their feasts of celebration.
Blessed are You, Source of Love, who blesses Aaron and Gary with love for one another.
We worked and worked on writing vows for each other, but the ones in the Ketuba and those from the traditional Jewish ceremony said most of what we wanted to say. We decided that Walt Whitman, a poet we both love, said the rest... the words that Gary and I said to each other before the Rabbi began the ceremony:
"Stop this day and night with me and you shall possess the origin of all poems, You shall possess the good of the earth and sun, (there are millions of suns left,) You shall no longer take things at second or third hand, nor look through the eyes of the dead, nor feed on the spectres in books,
You shall not look through my eyes either, nor take things from me, You shall listen to all sides and filter them from your self. All seems beautiful to me,
I can repeat over to men and women You have done such good to me I would do the same to you... I will toss a new gladness and roughness among them,
Whoever denies me it shall not trouble me,
Whoever accepts me he or she shall be blessed and shall bless me...
Allons! to that which is endless as it was beginningless... To know the universe itself as a road, as many roads, as roads for traveling souls... Camerado, I give you my hand!
I give you my love more precious than money, I give you myself before preaching or law;
Will you give me yourself? will you come travel with me? Shall we stick by each other as long as we live?"
[Leaves of Grass by Walt Whitman.]
The ceremony was amazing. We had already signed the ketuba with our Best Men, Gene Rosenberg (Gary's Dad) and Gary Birtwistle. The poles of the hupa were held by Anja Rosenberg and Paul Lewis, Gary's step-parents, and by Marlow Purves and Susan Kurliak, my friends. The pole-bearers are to be chosen carefully as they represent the community of the couple's future. We were pleased to have so many choices of people we loved, who loved us, who embodied so many wonderful qualities... and we were very happy with the choices we made.
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Breaking the glass... when and if the shards come together, we will be parted. Gary actually took some of the bits and threw them away later! |
One of my favourite pictures, just after we broke the glass and left the hall for the traditional time apart and alone, to share our first meal together. The wedding book said that you should pick a Best Man as if you were choosing who you would want beside you in a battle. Gary chose his Father, Gene. After much thought I chose my friend Gary Birtwistle. While he might have Down Syndrome, he is the most loyal and helpful and loving of friends and I think we'd do okay in a battle. He'd charm the enemy and get everyone online! But no one thought to explain to Gary B that we'd be running out of the hall before dinner - so he was terribly worried and thought maybe they should all follow us! |
Our Wedding Guests
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Gary, me, Niall. Niall joined us at our home with Debra about three months later as our foster-son. He's been with us ever since. |
Moira, Deb and Rona Murray. Rona has known me since I was 18 and took her "Introduction to Literature" class. For some reason she took a liking to me and she's been a great friend ever since. |
Gene's toast. Gary B made one too, assisted by Linda Perry, but we don't seem to have a picture of it... yet. |
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Cutting the cake, assisted by Niall. |
In the end, our wedding was everything we wanted it to be. Our friends and family brought food and took pictures and helped us celebrate our commitment to each other... we kept it as simple as possible and it was joyful. I cried from the beginning of the afternoon until the end of the ceremony. I could barely choke out the vows we had written for each other. Gary was steadfast throughout and then when we got home and took Onyx out for a walk, he collapsed into a puddle! It was great.
Here we are, about eight months later, at Gary's brothers' wedding in New Jersey. Notice how they put us together in the very middle of the picture... They could have put me on the very edge and then cropped me out... but, nope, not Gary's family. They're terrific.
What's next, one wonders, having gone through this unexpected experience and now finding ourselves the proud foster-dads of a teenager who says he intends to stay with us until he is 25 or maybe 40 or "I could be living with you guys the rest of my life!" but, on the other hand, has decided it's embarrassing to be seen with us by his friends (not because we're gay, just "because"... who ever thought this would happen to us????)... anything could happen... we've bought a pair of little glittery Cinderella shoes and we're looking for a child to fit into them... and we've got a "baby on board" sign in hopes that if we hang it in our car some baby will manifest in our lives... yeah, we know that's not how babies are really made... but...
who knows? :)
